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Tinfoil Barb Scales last Obstacle After an incredible eating competition by a shoal of macho Tinfoils in Roy's fishtank yesterday evening, the body of a teenage male tinfoil barb was discovered earlier today. Sources reveal that it may have actually eaten itself to death in a bid to impress its seniors at last nights eating race. Loaches on the Rampage Loaches were on the rampage this morning in their search for food. These hungry little bottom feeders cheekily left no stone unturned in their search for a meal today after a 24hr fast was announced by their keeper, Mr Roy Asgott, 38. Cannibal Ritual Gruesome Discovery as Cannibal Ritual is Under Way - A fish keeper, Mr Ray Ascgoat is today recovering after the gruesome discovery of a group of loaches feeding on the body of a young tinfoil barb. It is believed that Mr Oarsgrot diturbed the pagan ritual whilst it was in full swing and he is now said to be in shock after witnessing the blood curdling sight. He said earlier "I'm sure it's not the first time they've done this, I've suspected them all along". Vandals Escape Capture Throughout the early hours last night, vandals at the living room caused considerable damage, on a scale which is impossible to calculate the cost. it is rumoured that throughout the night, a gerbil threw pieces of wood chip all over the carpet, a male cat chased pieces of paper all over the floor, ripping and destroying them, and a female cat upturned a box of biscuits then proceeded to scatter crumbs and partially eaten food debris around the room. Slobbering, fighting, chair scratching and tail twitching are also believed to have taken place. Authorities are in session at the moment to decide on the future policing of the room - a report by the executive is to be announced shortly. |
 Who, me!! I have no idea. Mass Tarantuala Escape Bid Foiled A Mass Tarantuala Escape Bid was foiled today at Roy's Flat's Secure Unit for convicted spiders. Faulty apparatus melted walls during a routine heating procedure at the high security living quarters today, and two spiders were caught conspiring to escape. Officials confirmed this evening that the spiders, both serving life sentences for carrying out a series of savage murders, would have been a serious threat to those living nearby. Both spiders are capable of of extremely vicious and unprovoked attacks. No-one was injured during the incident, but an attempted assault was made on a member of staff trying to contain the situation. Management made no comment on the incident, but a spidercologist who works in the secret establishment told one of our reporters that if the escape attempt been succesful, the spiders would have tried to kill and eat eachother at the earliest opportunity as both are believed to have cannabalistic tendancies. Both prisoners are now back in their secure units, with no chance of parole. Easter Comes Early Easter came early today but 17 years late when the family parrot laid two eggs. The occasion marks the end of a 17 year lie for 'Paul', who, after a bungled sexing attempt had been forced to live as a male. A spokesperson today made the following statement. "Tragic as it is that 'Paul' has suffered such humiliation, she has now made this unprecedented and defiant stand to proclaim her right to be female and there can no longer be any doubt as to her sexuality". Mystery Death Puzzles Experts At approximately 1230 hrs today the bloated body of a bald middle aged Sucking Loach was discovered at the bottom of the fish tank. An investigation is underway and foulplay has not been ruled out. Roy Asspot, A distressed eye witness to the gruesome discovery today revealed that the drowned and mutilated body had lain for some time before being discovered, and had been partially eaten and dismembered. Forensic tests have failed to reveal the identity of the victim, and 54 suspects are currently under surveillance. |